I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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