Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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