if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize