You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
this is an emotional support booty call
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
