3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
