sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
