I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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