Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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