Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
