Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
