Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
