I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
