stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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