Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
