I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We need to get me chipped asap
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
