What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
