i don't like sucking hair
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
