I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
