Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize