1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
