ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
