I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
