Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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