How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize