I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize