I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
