I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
