I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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