I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
