dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This baby is an asshole
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
