I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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