Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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