My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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