i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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