Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
