i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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