If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you have to choose: penises or morals?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
