Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
