Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
