I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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