im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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