Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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