I faked an abortion last night.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
