she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
