um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize