I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
