take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
