I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
