Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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