her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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