It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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