he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
