remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
