I just saw a hot homeless man
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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