I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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