when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
