grandma shit on top of the toilet
I could make wine with my vomit
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
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