Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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