maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
