I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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