first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize