So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
